Surviving The Job

Restraint is an art
and difficult to practice ;
must hold tongue for now.

Astrology

Someone just asked me how to find their moon sign (see the "Moon" blog below).

That led me to the conclusion that I should help my loyal readers out with some basic astrology.

To find the planets in their houses and signs, please click here. You will need to know the date, place, and time of birth (for yourself or the person you are charting) for the most accurate results. Birth time is critical if you want information on degrees or signs. It also allows for the most accuracy.

Once you have the chart, there are a variety of websites you can visit to get free interpretations. Among my favorites are this one (the interactive AstroClick horoscopes give you a wealth of information if you do enough clicking), this one, and this one. Again, all are free.

Have fun!

Moon

Recently, I included a question about the moon in a "How Well Do You Know Me?" quiz on Facebook. I asked my quiz-takers if they knew my favorite phase of the moon. The options I gave them were full, crescent, gibbous, and waxing.

Most respondents answered that they thought the full moon was my favorite. A good guess: there is a lot of mythology about the full moon that I like, but it's not my favorite. It does speak well of my friends that they know enough about me and my occasional kookiness that they chose the full moon, which is often associated with the paranormal and well...lunacy (a word that is derived from the moon, by the way...).

However, despite my admiration for the full moon, my favorite phase of the moon is actually a crescent moon (depicted). Waxing or waning, it doesn't matter. I just love a crescent moon. I guess it goes back to the symbology of the crescent moon that I read about a long time ago. For example, the moon, and the crescent moon in particular, has been associated with Goddess worship throughout many civilizations. Artemis, Selene, Isis, Hathor, and Qian are just some of the ancient goddesses associated with the moon. Particularly, it was Isis who wore the crescent moon as her Crown. There are even depictions of Mary, in her persona as Queen of Heaven, standing on a crescent moon with the same as a crown on her head.

I find the crescent moon to be something mysterious and awe-inspiring; it is an elemental symbol of the sacred feminine. They say the moon pulls on all life the way it pulls on the tides--if true, it's not surprising considering how much of our bodies are made of water. The moon has a pronounced place in astrology: it is the dominion of one's personality, unconscious, and emotional self. For those who are interested, I have a Taurus Moon. Since Taurus is ruled by Venus, the moon in this placement means I have a love for all things beautiful. My Taurean moon also bestows me with a deep sensuality, a love of romance, a committed nature (I don't like change) and a lovely singing voice. :)

Isn't it something that the first time humanity journeyed off this Earth was to land on the moon? Even in modern times, it holds an endless fascination (it's also relatively close to home, no doubt a factor that influenced its selection as a place to explore once we reached space). There's nothing like the light of a full moon; in a rural area, it shines brightly enough to read by. I can only imagine how comforting that was to lonely travelers in the days before electricity.

Everytime I glance at the sky and see a crescent moon, I get a chill when I think of all the others who for eons gazed at that same beauty. The moon, like other celestial bodies in the heavens, is everlasting: it was here before the dawn of mankind and will be here long after our memories have faded from the planet. When I got my telescope, can you guess what I searched for in the night sky right away? The moon, of course.

Next time you are out and about in the night, take a glance at the sky and admire the moon. Particularly show appreciation for the crescent moon, a symbol that lasts even today in religious importance (the crescent moon is a primary symbol for Islam). Good luck, moon watchers!

Restless

Feeling so restless
time for a new direction
just not sure which way.

Tired

After a marathon bout of driving this weekend, I feel entitled to some rest. I have a ton of things I need to be doing: my room looks like a hurricane passed through it. I was frantically going through clothes in my early morning packing session the day of my trip. Said clothes also need to be washed and sorted for summer. Oh, and I need to go to the store. I'm out of stuff. Like laundry detergent.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to get my ass in gear. It's 3:25...the day is half over and I've just been sitting here, catching up on email and blogging. I think I'm in a transition period. Part of me doesn't want to acknowledge that I'm home yet--part of me is still in Tidewater. Hopefully my two selves will merge by the end of the night.

I'm proud of my driving skills. I drove about 4 hours on Friday to get to Tidewater (traffic was a factor--it usually doesn't take that long). It took less than 3 hours of driving to get back to Northern Virginia yesterday, rapidly followed by another hour and 45 minutes of driving to get to my friend's house in St. Mary's County, MD. Then, due to some "issues" with my friend's car, I end up having to drive us to the naval air show and back, which involved numerous stops up and down Rte. 5, for a total of I'd say...another 90 minutes of driving. Then back home last night...another hour and 30 minutes.

So basically, almost 12 hours of driving this weekend. For someone who doesn't go anywhere, that's a LOT! I put almost 1000 miles on my car the last few days. I'm not complaining. It was worth it. But procastination and "to do" lists be damned...

I'm tired.

Tidewater

I had a blast this weekend. I can truly say that this one of the best holiday weekends I've ever had. Here are the highlights:

I love my extended family. I truly miss them. The cousins, aunts, uncles...we are a tight knit clan. Being around them gives me such a sense of continuity and familiarity. No family is perfect. God knows mine has some issues. But the undercurrent between us, what connects everyone, is love. I am thankful that I got to see my little cousins, that Justin got to play with his cousins that are his own age, that everyone is healthy for the most part, and that I have a family dynamic enough to blog about. I love my great Aunt Dorothy especially. She is the awesomest 77 year old on the planet. She has been raising kids her whole life (the woman is literally surrounded by grands and great-grands) and still has enough love in her heart for mine, to get to know him and respect his individuality. That's gangsta. And I love my cousin, Chandra. She and I are 3 months apart and have been partners in crime since infancy. She's like my other half in a weird way. I think our relationship is the epitome of "cousin-hood": loving each other, lots of fighting (in childhood), getting into trouble, being there for each other in hard times, partying, etc. Love you girl!

I love my boys. Some of whom I've known since toddlerhood. One grew up next door to Chandra. They have both lived in their houses all their lives. I met him somewhere between the ages of 3 and 6 and a lifetime friendship was formed. I treasure the longevity of these friendships. Even the newest ones span 10 years or more. That's what happens when people stay static. My boys are my boys, they never change. Sometimes that's a bad thing. But I choose to focus on the good aspects of it: they are familiar. Being around them is akin to slipping on a pair of comfortable old shoes. We laugh at each other's jokes. We play stupid games. We party. HARD. There is nothing like playing the dozens with someone you've known since they were a kid so you know ALL the buttons to push. We've had our share of joy and sorrow, all with the same tight clique of people. They tolerate my eccentricities (it's what makes me who I am) and I tolerate theirs. It's a beautiful relationship.

I love the beach. I got teased a lot about that this weekend. See, for people who live near the water, it becomes just an ordinary thing. Something to complain about (it's dirty, it's cold, it's too far, it smells salty, etc. ) But for me, it's always something special. I love looking out to the horizon and knowing there's nothing but an ocean out there. And that if I look far enough I would run into West Africa or the UK. I love the feeling of warm sand between my toes and the way waves crash up on the shore. And the water is not dirty...it's an aqua green in the sunlight. Not a crystal blue like you would find in the tropics, but still...good enough for Virginia.

I love Portsmouth. It is so achingly familiar. My little town with a church and a corner store on every block. My whole life, the lives of generations of my family, is centered around that town. I know many of my friends long to escape there. I want them to realize it's their routine they long to escape from, not the city itself. Fulfilling life experiences can be had in Portsmouth, but only if you think outside "the hood." I guess I shouldn't begrudge them wanting to leave though. And if I'm honest, I don't want them to leave. I don't want to lose my familiar place and the people in it. That's very selfish of me, but it's the truth. I've had the opportunity to travel all over the country and other places in the world. Not all of them have. My travels have shown me there's nothing like home, but I can't be so selfish that I want to deprive other people of that experience.

I love the hood. Yes, another place people want to escape from. But the evils of the hood are outweighed by the good. Lifelong friendships, a cultural epicenter, and a strong sense of community are some of the best things that come out of the hood. The hood is one of the last places remaining that your kids can be free to roam the neighborhood with other kids because you know your neighbors will keep an eye on yours just like you will keep your eye on theirs. The hood is one of the last remaining places where you know that other parents have permission to discipline you if you get out of line when your parents aren't around. The hood is one of the last places that you will find relationships that endure so long that who you grew up playing with is likely to be the same crowd at your funeral. The hood is one of the last places where if your neighbors are having a cookout, you know you're invited by default because "that's what neighbors do." I am not oblivious to the bad things about the hood, but I'm not blind to the wonderful things about it either.

I always get struck with this sense of nostalgia and longing when I visit Tidewater. The food (mmm hushpuppies, smothered porkchops and sausage & rice, oh my!), the family, the company, the quality of the relationships...I always feel more (ful)filled when I'm there than here. There have been a few times this sense of "this is where I really belong" has been so strong that I've seriously considered uprooting my life to move back there. The most recent occurence was in October 2005. There are practical reasons both for and against that I need to consider. The cost of living is less--not as much of a disparity as in the past, but still...less. Salaries and wages are less too, though. The educational system is not as good as it is in Northern Virginia, with the exception of the Virginia Beach school system. I wouldn't mind living in Virginia Beach...

The important thing is, I had a good time and so did my son. He stengthened his bond with his family and made new acquaintances that maybe, if he's lucky, will last him as long as mine have. In the meantime, I will continue to dream of Tidewater. Only 6 weeks until I can go back there again.

Child Support

My thoughts on the issue as a single mom...

Would it kill him to be on time for once? I get an on-time payment like, once a year. He's always at least one month behind. Very frustrating.

I tried to be nice. I think I was very generous during the process of establishing the amount (given the opportunity to have some input again, I won't be as kind...). He has a very easy task--pay the required amount by a certain day every month. It is not a lot. It is less than a car payment. Less than an electric bill for a single family home in the summer months.

If adults actually did what they were supposed to do 99% of the time, the world would be a lot better place. In my not so humble opinion, child support is only required when parents DON'T do what they're supposed to do. Responsible adults should be able to come together and formulate a plan to raise their children without the intervention of the courts. When one party is lacking rationality, fairness, responsibility, trustworthiness, or any combination thereof, that's when the drama starts.

I have a lot of male friends. All of them have very bitter feelings towards the child support process. I can understand, somewhat. Most men tend to feel that they get the shaft in that process. I do think a lot of good fathers are treated unjustly in court as a reaction to the bad behavior of so many fathers. And that's not right. But in lieu of an agreement with the mother, what other recourse is there but court? It's a flawed process, but there has to be SOME process. I can understand wanting to reform it, but wanting to abolish it all together? Not possible. I have some otherwise rational and very intelligent male friends who are just adamantly opposed to the child support process...That I just DON'T understand. You have a kid, kids cost a lot of money, and if you're the non-custodial parent you have to pay the other parent. Period, the end. How else does the child get properly taken care of when there is no agreement? Or if an existing agreement isn't being followed?

Incidentally, I think the same goes for when a woman is the NCP. Which admittedly, doesn't happen very much. I think both parents should be given an equal opportunity to be the primary caregiver. I don't make any differences based on gender. I agree with fatherhood advocates that mothers shouldn't automatically be given an advantage in court, unless the child is very young (under 2). But once custody is established, whoever doesn't get the kid has to eat it. Unless something is worked out. That's the reality of a "broken family" scenario. It's not ever going to be perfectly fair and wonderful for both parties. Someone always has the advantage, whether it be a big one or a small one.

So...try to work it out before going to court. That's my philosophy. Be reasonable. Be fair. Of course, if how you conducted yourself prior to the support issue created enmity or demonstrated that you can't be trusted to live up to your agreements, you're screwed. The other parent would be a fool to NOT access the enforcement powers of the state. I am a very reasonable and fair person. For me, court is always the option of last resort, in any situation. But once it's done, it's done. You are then legally obligated to adhere to terms of the order, and just because you didn't take your ex-wife, girlfriend, lover, friend, whatever seriously or don't like the agreement, doesn't change the fact that there's a court order to which both parties must adhere. It's not something that can just be erased because all of a sudden you want to be more reasonable. The time for being reasonable is BEFORE the court process begins, not after.

Being bitter about it doesn't relieve you of your responsibilities towards your children. That goes for mothers and fathers. Mothers who withhold visitation to punish for child support issues are jerks and should be threatened with incarceration just as much as a father who is delinquent on support payments. There is just no excuse for either.

It's all very unfortunate. But a reality for single parents everywhere.

Ambitions

My start-up money for my business is on the way. Should be here at the end of the week. I took a bit of a gamble with my future, but if it pays off the way I think it will, I'll be rewarding myself tenfold.

I want to be independent. I want to work when I want to work, and be a bum when I want to be a bum. I want my job to not be a job, but a path that reflects my god-given talents. I want my child to have his college paid for already. I want to be wealthy enough when he's older to get him a nice car and a down payment on a house for a wedding present. Yes, I am all about protecting my offspring from incurring debt when they begin their lives! No loans, no down payments, etc. It is not spoiling, it is giving them the opportunity to begin their adulthood the right way: debt free. Debt is a form of slavery. If my people could have done this for me, they would have. If I can do it for mine, I will. Each generation should be more successful than the next.

If I have planned my financial goals properly, my credit cards will be paid off by Christmas. I will be purchasing my first home this time next year at the latest. My major debts will be paid off in 2 years. Etc. etc. etc. Yes, folks, by the time I'm 30, I will be well on my way to wealth-building.

I may have big dreams but why dream at all if you aren't going to dream big? I'll keep you posted as things progress. In the meantime...

Cha-ching!

Chima

So, last night I went to a restaurant called Chima Steakhouse in Tyson's Corner. It was a "Brazilian Steakhouse." For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a beef lover's heaven. Seriously, it's like a crack house for people who like beef. Look it up.

Anyway, a friend of mine invited me to a social networking event there. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go at first: schmoozing with strangers is not my thing. But my friend was very convincing and he's never led me astray before, so I decided if it was something to do, sure, why not?

I'm impressed from the get-go. Complimentary valet parking. Sure you may have my keys, Mr. Valet Parker. The place is beautiful on the outside. It's in a tall, circular building surrounded by new office parks. Very chic.

I walk in, see my friend, and immediately start getting introduced to semi-VIPs. Not Barack Obama or anybody, but local celebrities. Very cool. Then we get to the appetizers.

O.M.G. This stuff is free? This was not pigs in a blanket, folks. This was steak. This was chicken. This was pork. Hot sausages. Crab balls. Cheesy bread with a fancy cheesy dip. Light and fluffy slices of some kind of moussey cake. The service was impeccable. "Would you like something to drink ma'am?" I look around to see what everyone else is drinking and give my friend a hesitant look. Finally I ask for a glass of white wine (I hate wine). But I didn't want to get gangsta with it right off top and ask for a Long Island, so...

I am not a country bumpkin by any means. I know how to handle myself in a schmoozey atmosphere (although I hate such environments usually). But I was really impressed by this place...the ambiance, the decor, the crowd...very classy. I would definitely go there again. Which is probably why they agreed to sponsor the event, to lure in people like me.

I would encourage people to attend these types of events in the future. Shoot, some folks probably make a career out of coming to these things, scoring some food, drinks, and business cards, whether you're supposed to be there or not. Like "The Wedding Crashers" for young professionals LOL. I definitely met some new people, took in some new faces, and had some new experiences (smoking a cigar).

Here's to the next one. Big ups to L for the invite.

The One

An open letter to my future husband...

To My Dear Beloved Husband,

After having a conversation with a friend last night about why it was important that your spouse share your really important interests, I decided to write you this letter to make sure that when we do actually meet, you know what I'm looking for. That should save us some time.

Please have the following required qualities:

• Be ready for and anticipating marriage. Duh. How else are we going to get married? I don't believe in relationships that are just "partnerships." Call me old-fashioned, but I want the real thing. That includes a ring on my left hand and your last name. When I say be ready for marriage, that means be ready for a commitment when you meet me. Not right away, of course. Obviously we need to get to know each other and fall in love. But be open to the idea. Be beyond the phase of your life where partying and hanging out with your boys means more to you than me and building our life together.
• Be a good father. You may not have children yet. If you do, that's ok. I love children. More importantly, I have one. You will have a very important role in his life. Please be ready for that. If you have children of your own, it will help me evaluate your parenting skills and also gives my child the opportunity to experience having a sibling. I promise to love them as my own. If you don't, that's ok too, but please have a love for children and preferably a natural parenting instinct. Also, whether you have children already or not, I would want to have at least one child with you to complete our family, so you must be open to that.
• Know God. I left that purposely broad. You do not have to be a Catholic (although it IS a plus), or even necessarily a Christian, but you must know God. I am not perfectly devout (who is?), but I cannot be unequally yoked either. I do go to church. You do not have to have perfect attendance at church, but you should know what one looks like and feel comfortable going there occasionally. Being included in the family prayer during holidays should not weird you out. Saying nightly prayers with me and the kids should not weird you out.
• Be tall. Tall is defined as being at least 3" taller than me when I'm wearing high heels. As I average in height between 5'5 3/4 and 5'7" (depending on who is doing the measuring), please be at least 5'10" to be on the safe side.
• Be stocky. I don't like lean men. Stocky can range anywhere from "muscular" to "a little on the chubby side." I need to look at you and see "strength" not "stick."
• Be loyal & faithful. Self-explanatory. For me, a marriage is for life. It's not a game, it's not something to do just to "see" what's like, and it's not something we're going to do because we know we can get out of it. Divorce is not an option, so please make sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me and that you can live with having sex with me and only me for that duration before proposing. Thanks.
• Be good in bed. Sex is important to me. It is probably important to you too. If we are going to remain happily married, we need to have a good and active sex life. That is all.
• Be affectionate. I am a touchy-feely person. I kiss and hug my child, my dog, my family, my friends, my coworkers...I will want to hold your hand, run my fingers through your hair, kiss and hug you, hold you at night, sit on your lap, rub your back, etc. You must share this love of affection. Perhaps not as much as I do, but my affectionate nature must not bother you.
• Be outgoing. You do not have to be the life of the party. But you should be a friendly, confident person who makes new acquaintances easily. My shy side will be enough for the both of us. I need you to be the one who will force me into new experiences when I'm feeling afraid or unsure of myself.
• Be intelligent. You don't have to have a Ph.D. I don't. But I am smart. My child is smart. Our kids will probably be smart. You should be too. Intelligence should not intimidate you.
• Be family-oriented. I am close to my family. If you aren't close to yours, that's ok as long as you get along with mine. But my preference is that you are equally if not more close to yours, have siblings, parents, grandparents, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunt & uncles that you love and genuinely enjoy spending time with.
• Be conversational. I like to talk. Not to the point of obnoxiousness, but I can hold a conversation. You must be able to converse with me, and with others, without awkwardness. This requires that you...
• Be diverse. Have a variety of interests. Be curious about our world, the people in it, and the things that happen here.
• Be active. I have an average activity level. I don't have to be out and about every weekend, but I am not a homebody either. Staying at home, especially when the weather is nice, is not my cup of tea. There are too many things to do and see, especially when you have small children who you are trying to get to explore their world. Unless I'm feeling lazy, and then...
• Be lazy, too. Some days are just meant to be lazy days. No chores, no going out, just laying in bed or watching a good show on TV, or catching up on DVR episodes, or sitting quietly and reading a good book. You should be amenable to all of these on occasion.
• Love animals. I have a dog. She is sweet, good with kids, and can be hyper. She is a great dog. You must like dogs and want one, because she's not going anywhere. If you have a dog, that's cool too. If you have a cat, I love cats, but we might have issues...Bingo chases cats. We can talk about it. If I'm not getting rid of my pet, I can't expect you to get rid of yours. We'll work it out. But I love animals and you should too.
• Love food. I like to eat. You should too. But don't let me get fat--I won't let you get fat either. And on the off chance that we both fail miserably at this and both get fat then...
• Be willing to make improvements. I am not perfect. I doubt you are either. But I am always open to change. I know when it's time to grow and/or make different choices. You should have this skill as well, including acknowledging that it's time to start going back to the gym.
• Be tidy. I'm not a neat freak. Occasional messiness is ok, actually. Especially when confined to small places. But I like a clean house. At least one that's presentable for company that likes to stop by. A clean kitchen is a must. Doing chores should not be a foreign concept to you. Liking the following chores is a plus: taking out the trash, yard work, keeping cars clean and serviceable.
• Be financially stable. I have worked hard to get to the point of some financial stability in my life. I've still got some work to do, but I can reliably pay the bills and am able to be extended credit in situations where it is required. You should be able to say the same.
• Like a good party. You don't have to be a party animal, but you should know how to have a good time. You should be ok with loud music and raucous behavior occasionally. Bonus points if you know how to play cards and throw stuff on the grill.
• Love football. I like football. You should too. That's what I do on Sundays and Monday nights during the season. You should too.
• Be flawed. Again, I must emphasize that I'm not perfect. Sometimes I smoke, sometimes I snore, sometimes I let my car get amazingly filthy. If you share these traits, that's cool. If not, that's cool too, but have some flaws. I don't want to feel like I'm struggling to live up to your idea of perfection.
• Be patient. I can be a royal pain at times. I can be selfish, spoiled, and stubborn. Sometimes I will crave your attention and have tantrums if I don't get it. I also have a hair-trigger temper. You don't have to be my doormat, but you must be understanding and accepting of these things. Patience is required.
• Get me. This is important. In fact, it might be the #1 requirement. I am a very complex individual. My thoughts, my moods, my fears, my hopes, my dreams...you should speak the same language in all of those areas.

The following traits are optional:

• Be a good cook. I can cook, but I don't always like to. During a good week I'll cook 2 meals and on Sunday. During a bad week, it might be takeout or Marie Callendar's every night. If you want to do the cooking, that is fine by me!
• Love the Redskins. If you love the Skins, you already have a heavy advantage in winning my heart. If not, that's ok, I probably don't love your team either. Please don't be an Eagles or Giants fan UNLESS you can tolerate a lot of trash talking. Please don't be a Cowboys fan for the sake of our marriage. Please don't be a "bandwagon" fan of ANY team if you want me to respect you. Bandwagon fans are the lamest of the lame.
• Like astronomy. I like stars. I'm fascinated by them. I'm an amateur nightwatcher. If you are too, or if you actualy know a little bit about astronomy, all the better. You should not think me strange when I stop to stare up at the sky or want to have a discussion about the probable existence of extraterrestrial life.
• Be handy. I love men who can fix things. I'm not talking about plunging the toilet, or giving me a jump, or changing a flat tire. Those things are kind of expected. I mean, being able to fix a leaky pipe or patch a hole in the wall with some drywall. Or some DIY work around the house like putting down new tile in the kitchen. That's so sexy.

That's all for the moment. I hope this assists you in finding me, as I'm waiting for you. I'm in no rush. I'd rather you be Mr. Right than Mr. Right Now. I do love you dearly and will be an excellent wife. I look forward to all the wonderful years we have stretched out ahead of us.

Love,

Me

Advice

For those of you who don't have access to my Facebook profile, here is a note I posted last night about frienship and giving out advice:

I gave someone some very good advice last night, and in the process of doing so, shared some very personal experiences with them. My advice was based on a combination of my own experiences (which mirrored an important perspective in this person's situation), common sense, and a desire to prevent this person from being hurt any further in their situation.

There are two important points I want to make:

1) I don't consider myself any kind of infallible advice guru or anything. Not only do I need to be better about taking my own advice sometimes, but I don't know everything (imagine that!)

2) I realize that people make mistakes and that some unhealthy behaviors are really, really hard to break. I accomodated that into my advice-giving.

My advice in this case was about this individual continuing to remain involved in what I would consider a toxic relationship. This isn't your average "bad, crappy relationship." This (and my evaluation is based solely on what this person conveyed to me about the situation) is the type of relationship that could break a person and put them on a path that would require years of recovery.

To be more specific, as far as I was concerned, this person was putting up with a high-level of game playing and emotional abuse from the other party. I had already noticed signs that the toxicity of this relationship was severe enough to be affecting said person's self-esteem, body image, and evaluation of things that I KNEW were once important to them. Classic signs of an abusive relationship, right? Now, I didn't say all that. My advice was more gentle. Advice has to be given in stages sometimes.

I was pleased that I seemed to be getting somewhere. My thought process at the time was that sharing some of my own personal experiences increased the effectiveness of my advice. I was even promised that the person was going to do a lot of thinking on their long drive home. "Good," I thought. That's a first step. Just think. Hard.

So imagine my surprise that all of my good advice and a couple of hours on the topic were disregarded in about...5 minutes after this individual was gone from my presence. Surely that must be a new record! Am I wrong for being annoyed...no, ANGRY... about that?

I have had friends disregard my advice before. And I have disregarded plenty of my friends' advice myself. It happens. But it's usually a "slippage" process. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? You start off feeling strong and then maybe a day or so later, not so strong. Maybe even a couple of HOURS later...not so strong.

This was literally 5 minutes. In one ear, out the other. Am I wrong for being frustrated? My level of frustration is equivalent to where I would be if I had told another friend something similar and was back to square 1 with them for the third time in a week. That is just an excessive level of hardheadedness. If you don't value my opinion, why waste my time? Also, when you feel weak, you are supposed to turn to your friends; what else are they there for other than to lift you up?

Not only was I annoyed, but when I was honest with my friend about my disappointment (and frankly, feeling a little insulted) at how quickly our conversation went out the window, I became the bad guy. How did THAT happen? I'm the bad guy? Really? Not the person who is playing you day in and day out and putting you through all this, but me? Ok. Now on top of feeling frustrated and disappointed, I feel betrayed as well.

For those of you who know me well, the one thing that will cause me to see red faster than anything else is to feel betrayed. Betrayal has exited out people faster from my life than any other cause.

After stewing over this for a few hours last night and parts of today, I realize that this is something I'm powerless to change. The fallout is that I am no longer friends with this individual (not my decision) and my former friend is off in Toxicity Land with no one to watch over them. This initially worried me quite a bit (still trying to be a good friend, can't say I'm not loyal), but I have to let it go. People have to be free to make their own mistakes.

Lesson Learned: Stop trying to be Captain Save 'Em. And, if you can't deal with the fallout from the trainwreck, refrain from observing the collision.

Neighbors

The Good - I have two very cool neighbors, Terrence and Renee, who live across from each other and in the front of my building on my floor. They were very friendly and welcoming from day 1, before I even moved in. I was just coming by to check out the place before I signed the lease and they gave me the skinny on everything I needed to know. Renee is hilarious. Terrence is a single dad with a little boy around the boy's age and is very nice also. I hope the boys can play together this summer. And no, I do not want to date him. He's not my type, but still, he's very nice. There's also a new couple that just moved in under Terrance. They introduced themselves the other day. Wife is pregnant, due in August with a girl. Used to teach, but is going to do the SAHM thing after the baby is born. Wanted to know if I knew anyone who needed a daycare sitter. They were eyeing the kiddo with hopefulness. They seem like a very sweet and young couple and I suspect money will be tight for awhile. I wish them the best.

The Bad - My downstairs neighbors underneath but across from me are annoying as hell. If the husband didn't work here I would have gotten ugly with them a long time ago. But he did let me into my apartment off the record one time when I locked myself out (he could have charged me or made me get a locksmith as my lease requires) and so I feel compelled to be nice. Never know when I might need him again, you know? They sit out on their patio drinking beer and smoking with their friends, being generally loud and obnoxious at all hours of the night on the weekends. But they are smart about it and generally only do this on the weekends. They do seem to have cool friends though and also have two little boys who are a few years older than the boy but still young enough for him to play with. Hmmm. The jury is still out on them I guess.

The Ugly- The neighbor directly underneath me is hellish. She makes my dog cry. She plays this loud, booming Spanish music with a ton of bass that I think hurts Bingo's ears because everytime she plays it the dog starts howling miserably. It would be kind of funny if it wasn't so sad. And not only is it loud, it's the SAME song over and over and over again on repeat. She also has two teenage kids that are ghetto as hell and cut up with their friends right outside my bedroom window on evenings that I'd rather it be quiet and still...oh well. If I wanted quiet and still I wouldn't have moved to an apartment. What else? Oh let's see...she dropped some groceries out of a bag, including some fruit juice that busted and just LEFT IT on the sidewalk. Ants everywhere, not to mention the trash. It's still there and that was on Saturday. WTF? Pick up your trash beyotch. I will get rid of it myself if it's not gone by tomorrow. TRI-FLING. Oh and her patio is filled with black trashbags full of...?????? Toys? Clothes? Dead bodies? I don't know. Get a storage unit. Get an apartment with better storage space. I dunno. Luckily we both face the back so it doesn't ruin the appearance of the place (which is why I suspect she has managed to get away with it), but at this point I am just annoyed by her general existence.

Sigh. When I start house-hunting, an end-unit is a must. Only one wall to share and plenty of space between me and everybody BUT the wall-sharer. I can live with that.

Overprotective

So my little pooh has a summer cold. Either that or allergies. He was sniffly when I picked him up from school today, and then developed a cough when we got inside. The cough got progressively worse through the evening. Now, there might have been several reasons for that....dancing around like a maniac to Kid Songz for 2 hours, being sensitive to all the ant spray I doused the living room in (came home to an ant picnic on one of the end tables...lovely. Don't know where the hell that came from, but there were no survivors), or the after-effects from the crying jag he had when Mommy (rightfully) yelled at him for knocking over her Chinese food all over the freshly vacuumed floor when he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing.

Regardless, I was concerned. These were dry, hacking coughs that were very frequent (at least one per minute) when I put him to bed. Yes, I count coughs. One per minute or more and I am very concerned. If five minutes or more passes between them, I am less concerned. My goal is to always get to five minutes or more between coughs, preferably ten after medication. So although part of me felt silly as hell (it IS May, isn't it?), I broke out the Vicks Rub and the cough medicine at bedtime tonight.

And here I sit counting coughs. We were at one or more per minute still for several minutes after bedtime. Cue concerned Mommy. We had inched up to one about every three minutes about ten minutes ago, and then suddenly...no coughing. Not even one little cough, for over 15 minutes.

I should be happy right? No, now I'm paranoid. I had to go check to make sure he was breathing. Of course he was. I didn't even make it into his room, I could hear his little snores as soon as I got outside the door. The little pooh snores like a baby bear wuffling through the woods. It's cute...at this age. I pity his future wife.

As soon as I knew he was still alive, I felt quite idiotic for going to check. What kind of crazed mother wonders if she OD'd her preschooler on cough medicine?

When I was a child, my family (especially my grandmother) hovered over me like I was made of glass. I couldn't go anywhere, do anything, try anything without a bunch of hemming and hawing and lecturing on the dos and donts of safety all the way out the door. Here are some of the classics:

• Swimming at the beach with friends? Forget it. I might drown.
• Walking to the corner store for a snack by myself? Forget it, I might be kidnapped, raped, or killed. Probably all three.
• Talking on my cell phone on the porch during a rainstorm? Nope. I might be electrocuted.
• Eating some food I left out for a little while or that god forbid, fell on the floor? (the ultimate no-no) No way, it had to be thrown out or I might contract some deadly form of poisoning.
• Napping on the couch during the day and wanted to put the pillow over my head to block out the light? Nope (and I kid you not people)...I MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY SMOTHER MYSELF. At the so-non-accidentally-smothering-oneself age of 16!
• One time, when I visiting my grandmother on a college break, I woke up in the middle of the night to see her staring me in my face only inches away. Very alarming. I asked her what the HECK she was doing and she said she had been listening to me breathe and swore that I stopped for a minute (I'm pretty sure she was being paranoid as I do not have sleep apnea) and so she came to check...I had to be at least...oh, I dunno...TWENTY YEARS OLD. God forbid I am still checking on Justin's breathing when he is 2o...

Needless to say, I found this tremendously annoying. I swore I would never be an overprotective maniac like the women in my family.

Now that I'm a mother myself, of course, I am an overprotective maniac like the women in my family. I find myself making all kinds of asinine assumptions regarding my child's safety and I realize now that being overprotected is the deepest sign of love. It's a sign that you are very, very precious to that person. So precious that the thought of losing you terrifies them. I'm not saying it's right, and I had some harrowing experiences that they never knew about as a direct result of raging against the overprotective machine BUT...I'm still here.

So thank you Mom, Granny, Aunt Dorothy, and especially, especially Gaga (the mastermind of most of those scenarios) for being overprotective. You taught me well.

30 minutes since the last cough by the way.

Xanax

So, recently I was prescribed Xanax to help with the recurring anxiety attacks I have about death. Not about dying myself, but of losing people close to me. If you know me well, you're probably playing amateur psychologist and thinking this started around the time my grandmother passed away, but alas...you would be incorrect. These attacks have been happening since my teens, got worse when my son was born, and reached their peak when Gaga died. Since I hadn't had a physical in years, I finally decided to mention them to my doctor at the one I had a week or so ago.

In any event, I had such a horrific day yesterday that I decided to go ahead and take some. The various annoyances I had experienced throughout the day added up into a full blown state of mental turmoil, and I wanted to relax so I could go out and salvage the evening. I was skeptical though. I didn't want to get groggy since I knew I would be drinking. So me being the person I am, I decided to Google everything about Xanax...

Wow! Apparently they are among the most prescribed AND highly abused drug in America. Xanax is a benzodiazepine that acts on certain areas of the brain like a tranquilizer to create a calming effect. And they are highly addictive. Greeeeeeeeeeeat. Like I need anymore addictions. Oh, and not only are they highly addictive, they also cause terrible withdrawal symptoms, especially if you are on a high dose and stop suddenly. My dose is a very low starter dose, so I went ahead and took one anyway, but everything I read said not to take it everyday no matter what your prescription says and not to take more than 2mg a day. Luckily I am nowhere near that on the dosage.

Mine says, "Take one tablet orally twice a day as needed." To me, as needed = my symptoms of anxiety are prohibiting me from functioning normally so luckily that is not everyday.

Sheesh. Sometimes the stuff they give you fix your problems is worse than the actual problems!

Disclaimer: It did help. I had a nice mellowed out feeling about 20 mins or so after, so at least it is fast-acting.

Settling

Not going to do it. I refuse to settle for mediocrity in any aspect of my life.

Finances: Success doesn't come to you. No one in this world who is successful just sat around and waited for success to land on their doorstep. Even the ones who got "lucky" took action to make sure Luck could find them. I know what my talent and ambition can bring me, so I will commit my money, time, and energy to pursuing that success.

Love: I will either resign myself to embracing singlehood (TRULY embracing it, not using it as a stop-gap until my next relationship), or more preferably, I will make an effort to attract and seek the kind of man that I know a) is healthy for me and adds to my happiness, not detracts from it b) is on my level, in every way that counts c) would make me feel proud if my son desired to emulate him d) that I can commit to and is capable of committing to me. Period. No more settling for Mr. Right Now, or worse, Mr. Was Never Right. After a certain amount of time has passed that "Is this the right person for me?" feeling isn't cold feet, it's Truth telling you the answer is No.

Work: Too many people settle in their work. They get in the comfort zone of receiving a regular paycheck but the work brings them no joy, no purpose. The ultimate goal of achieving success is to not have to work FOR someone in order to survive, but instead to either do meaningful work (whatever meaningful means to you) or to perhaps not work at all if one should be so lucky! After a long talk with a close friend at my former place of employment, it became so apparent to me how your job, because you spend so much of your time there, can have a profound impact on your life. Feeling ignored, underappreciated, undervalued or just plain bored with repetitive work (ESPECIALLY while ignoring your higher calling) can manifest itself in terrible ways in your life. So, I resolve to not to settle in this area of my life and encouraged that same friend to do the same. She has the benefit of knowing her true calling--I am still trying to figure this out about myself, but the important thing is to build on your ambitions and not stay stagnant out of fear of the unknown.

Friendship: Unfortunately, even the oldest and strongest friendships can be outgrown. People are not static creatures; they grow and change and not always in the same direction. I am fortunate enough that I have only outgrown a friendship or two in my life--I am still very close to the people I've known for years, some since childhood. But there are a lot of lonely people in the world, people who want more friends or different friends. Stop settling. Get out there and meet people. Put yourself out there. A good friend of mine that I have now, I met on the Metro! We struck up such a great conversation, she invited me to get off at her stop with her and grab something to eat and a drink. Most people would have declined to dine with such a new acquaintance, but I took a chance and now have a wonderful friend that I cherish.

Life is about taking chances. Very few chances are life-threatening (unless you're totally reckless), but most chances are paradigm changing. Live your life!

Grief

As I prepare for bed (finally), I realize that the statement, "Time heals all wounds" is an utter lie.

Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds are so deep and paralyzing that time can only band-aid them; underneath they are still raw and oozing and will be that way forever.

This is true of my grandmother's death. True, I don't think of her by the minute, or even by the day as I did immediately after her death. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but then I comfort myself with the thought that such is a natural part of the healing process.

But tonight I realize that maybe I stopped thinking of her all the time on purpose, for my own sanity. That grief is so still so raw and fresh--it comes out at unexpected times, in a rush of emotion so powerful it startles me. It startled my dog. One minute I was writing her a haiku, and the next...with the thought of all the time that would most likely pass before I could see her again, and knowing even THAT isn't promised to me (for she is surely in heaven and I can only aspire to go there)...well, it seemed like an eternity of longing and loneliness was all that was waiting. It was several minutes before I stopped sobbing, stopped gasping for breath. My dog came to check on me, perhaps even to comfort me. It was very appreciated.

So apparently time can be healing, but it is also cruel and deceptive.

To Goon-Goon: Thank you for trying to send some money my way by making tonight's lottery number your birthday and my birthday intertwined. I knew earlier today that you were trying to send me a message when my right hand began to itch (my "money's on the way" sign), and on your birthday to boot, but stupid me got distracted and never made it to the store, despite telling Mom I was going to play. You know I rarely play the lottery. I'm not sure I would have played 5-7-1 anyway--I usually forget to do birthdays. Sadly I didn't inherit the family knack for luck with lotteries! I would have probably done 5-0-7, your birthday and the day's date, of course. It's the thought that counts though. Maybe next year. Love, Goongie.

Maggie

Forget me not, love
I have not forgotten you
still so loved and missed...

May Flowers

This blasted rain makes
everything so green and lush
that I can't complain.

Puppy Love

My loyal doggie
sleeps quietly by my side
while I blog away.

Procrastination

Ummm, yeah. So I've been neglecting my blog, apparently. I didn't realize I have no May postings. I am rectifying that with this entry. Apologies to my 1 "real" follower and also those that undoubtedly lurk but for whatever reason don't want me to know they read this...

Anyway--I have a serious case of the lazies. Very serious. I have about a million things running through my mental to-do list, none of which are getting done. So, in an effort to inspire myself, I'm going to make a list. :) I love lists. I will also come back and edit this blog with strikethrough notations as items are completed. Yay!

TO DO LIST (in order of priority)

School

1. I have one online class I need to wrap up by Monday. The only problem is, I have weeks of homework to do and a final to take. There goes my weekend. Oh, except that I am going to the movies Friday night and also on Saturday afternoon and then Mother's Day is on Sunday...right. See my problem. STOP GOOFING OFF AND FINISH THE CLASS!
2. Do said homework, weeks 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 (some assignments will be easier than others).
3. Write short paper on an experience within the juvenile justice system--piece o' cake. I will write about my experience as a community volunteer working with troubled teens over the last year and half.
4. Review for and take final by Monday @ 5 PM. Ok. Need to be done with everything by Sun night.
5. Revel in my ability to perform under pressure and still walk away with an "A" in the class despite my shameful procrastination all semester.
6. Breathe sigh of relief when stupid assignments are finished and final is taken so I can enjoy my summer!

Work

1. Create attendee sign-up sheet for External Org meeting next Thursday.
2. Create agenda for meeting and send to attendees.
3. Create handouts for meeting.
4. Talk with coworker about how meeting/training will be structured. These steps should all be completed by Monday afternoon as coworker will be gone Tues & Wednesday and meeting is at 10 AM Thursday.
5. Don't forget to set up flexible spending for healthcare for next year before open enrollment expires!

Home

1. Clean house. A tidy environment equals a tidy mind. The house is presentable (in common areas) but it is skanky according to my standards. Cleaning house is defined by the following subcategories:

• Vacuum. I vacuum the entire house at least 2x a week because of the dog. Been seriously slacking. Vacuuming is a must!
• Finish loading dishwasher and wash dirty dishes. Put away when clean.
• Wipe down bathroom and kitchen counters and other surfaces. Dust where necessary.
• Sweep and mop hard floors.
• Thoroughly clean bathroom shower, tub, and toilet.
• Put away miscellaneous items on desk. An organized desk is my preference. Crap is everywhere at the moment. This must change.
• Clean the boy's room. Ideally this would include throwing/giving away toys that are no longer played with to reduce clutter, but...we'll see.
• Bathe and brush dog and either trim her nails or take her to the groomer.
• Take out trash.

Now onto the crap that I despise doing and thus will avoid forever usually. But it must be done. Sigh.

• Laundry. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh. I actually love washing and drying clothes. I hate putting them away. Need to wash and dry all dirty clothes (the easy part) and then fold/hang and put away. Put away clean clothes that have been sitting in a pile in the laundry basket!
• Switch seasonal clothes. Pack away fall/winter clothes and unpack spring/summer clothes for both you and child. Separately pack items that no longer fit for donation to charity. Then review inventory for new items that need to be purchased and make purchases as necessary.

The first section can be taken care of in a few hours. Hesitant to do on Sunday just on general principle though. The second section will take me a day at my most highly motivated, or a weekend in a normal state of functioning. Clearly it won't be this weekend due to the school section. But it WILL happen.

Self

1. Clean car. I debated whether to put this under home, but if I'm going to clean it, it's going to be perfect, which is an issue of vanity, so it goes here. It needs everything. Throw out trash in interior, vacuum, wipe down and Armor All surfaces, deodorize, wash/wax at the car wash and put tire shine stuff on tires. Yes, I do these things myself, I actually get a lot of pleasure out of detailing my car.
2. Car maintenance. Been neglecting my truck. Desperately needs an oil change , tire rotation/balance, and transmission flush. These are not expensive, and one is free, so no excuses. Almost certain it also needs an alignment, tune-up, and brakes. Everything but the tune-up & brakes can be done for $250 or less at NTB. Tune-up & brakes go to Mr. Lee's and have to wait a few more weeks. Might get oil-change at Jiffy Lube just this once so can get free fluid top-offs--am out of washer fluid!
3. Finalize travel arrangements for Memorial Day weekend.
4. Get hair and nails done! Feet were recently pedicured so will be fine for another couple of weeks but nails need work. At the very least finish stripping off hot pink polish that just looks skanky now and do home manicure. Hair is budgeted out for next paycheck, hopefully nothing changes this.
5. Start going back to gym. Paying Bally's almost $40 a month for nothing is stupid and a waste. They've gotten quite enough free money in 2009, thank you.
6. Make dental appointment(s) once flex spending card is reactivated.
7. Finish prototype for iPhone application in preparation for soliciting the proposal. Development needs to be delayed until after firmware update to 3.0 in June.
8. Finish website mock-up so that when the building stage begins in another month or so you are actually building and not still planning.

Sigh. Life will be good when all these things are done (!)