Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?
Jazmine Sullivan keeps it real. I adore that song--one of the truest songs ever sung.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
On Missing Mass
I missed Mass today for the first time in many weeks. For no particular reason either; I just wasn't feeling 100% and it seemed like a lot of effort to go. Which was ridiculous because my younger sister spent the weekend at my house and would have been more than happy to watch my son so that I could attend Mass alone and actually concentrate without having to mind a rambunctious 4-year old (who is normally a PITA during Mass but was actually good last week at Easter Mass for a change). Said 4-year old's PITA-hood usually includes kicking the seats of the long-suffering parishioners who sit in front of us, squirming around, singing inappropriate songs during quiet times, and whining when Mommy gets to eat the "crackers and juice" and he doesn't. So it definitely would have been LESS effort to go than it usually is...
It's times like this that I miss being a Protestant. Protestants miss going to church and it's no big deal, right? At least it wasn't when I was a Protestant. I attended a Baptist church as a child and although we were encouraged to attend church faithfully, missing a Sunday certainly wasn't a mortal sin like it is for Catholics. You just went the next time and everything was gravy. No being excluded from any church rites due to mortal sin on your soul or anything heavy like that. Yep, that's right: for Catholics (and most likely Anglicans/Episcopalians and Lutherans) not going to Mass on Sundays is a mortal sin. We are commanded to remember the Lord's Day and keep it holy, after all, so it is the "breaking of a commandment" part that makes it not only sinful, but gravely sinful. Meaning, if I were to die without confessing my grave sin, I am going to hell. Pretty harsh for just feeling lazy on a Sunday, but those are the rules.
Having a mortal sin on my soul also means that I am forbidden to partake in the Eucharist (Communion) again until I go to confession. Or in more modern terms "perform the Sacrament of Reconciliation." By the way, I prefer the term "confession." I knew this was the consequence and I didn't go anyway, which makes it even more grievously sinful on my part. Blah. The Eucharist is my favorite part of Mass so being deprived of it is actually a real punishment--far more of a punishment than whatever penance I'm going to be given. I don't mean to sound deliberately cavalier about penances, but I thought my last few penances were kind of "light" for what was some pretty heavy sin (but that's a blog for another day... ) Taking communion, actually drinking the Blood and eating the Body, is the time that I feel closest to Christ more than any other time in my spiritual life, even prayer. I can almost picture myself at the Last Supper with Him as He establishes the new covenant with his Church. By the way, if I were to participate in the Eucharist with mortal sin on my soul, that itself is a mortal sin, and I have then exponentially compounded the amount of sin I'm carrying. Let's not go there.
Sooooo...missing Mass one lazy Sunday has cost me the Eucharist for the foreseeable future, as I will likely avoid confession until I miss the Eucharist enough that I grudgingly go. Confession sucks by the way--I always feel much better afterwards, but it's rather embarrassing and awkward, at least for me. Which is probably the point.
Have I learned my lesson? Probably, for now. I'll have to go out of my way one evening or on a weekend to go to confession, and thus it will take weeks for me to end up going, and in the meantime I'm deprived of my favorite part of the Mass. That's a lot of drama to deal with. Should have just gone to Mass in the first place!
It's times like this that I miss being a Protestant. Protestants miss going to church and it's no big deal, right? At least it wasn't when I was a Protestant. I attended a Baptist church as a child and although we were encouraged to attend church faithfully, missing a Sunday certainly wasn't a mortal sin like it is for Catholics. You just went the next time and everything was gravy. No being excluded from any church rites due to mortal sin on your soul or anything heavy like that. Yep, that's right: for Catholics (and most likely Anglicans/Episcopalians and Lutherans) not going to Mass on Sundays is a mortal sin. We are commanded to remember the Lord's Day and keep it holy, after all, so it is the "breaking of a commandment" part that makes it not only sinful, but gravely sinful. Meaning, if I were to die without confessing my grave sin, I am going to hell. Pretty harsh for just feeling lazy on a Sunday, but those are the rules.
Having a mortal sin on my soul also means that I am forbidden to partake in the Eucharist (Communion) again until I go to confession. Or in more modern terms "perform the Sacrament of Reconciliation." By the way, I prefer the term "confession." I knew this was the consequence and I didn't go anyway, which makes it even more grievously sinful on my part. Blah. The Eucharist is my favorite part of Mass so being deprived of it is actually a real punishment--far more of a punishment than whatever penance I'm going to be given. I don't mean to sound deliberately cavalier about penances, but I thought my last few penances were kind of "light" for what was some pretty heavy sin (but that's a blog for another day... ) Taking communion, actually drinking the Blood and eating the Body, is the time that I feel closest to Christ more than any other time in my spiritual life, even prayer. I can almost picture myself at the Last Supper with Him as He establishes the new covenant with his Church. By the way, if I were to participate in the Eucharist with mortal sin on my soul, that itself is a mortal sin, and I have then exponentially compounded the amount of sin I'm carrying. Let's not go there.
Sooooo...missing Mass one lazy Sunday has cost me the Eucharist for the foreseeable future, as I will likely avoid confession until I miss the Eucharist enough that I grudgingly go. Confession sucks by the way--I always feel much better afterwards, but it's rather embarrassing and awkward, at least for me. Which is probably the point.
Have I learned my lesson? Probably, for now. I'll have to go out of my way one evening or on a weekend to go to confession, and thus it will take weeks for me to end up going, and in the meantime I'm deprived of my favorite part of the Mass. That's a lot of drama to deal with. Should have just gone to Mass in the first place!
Leo Mars square Scorpio Venus
I consider myself a pretty expert student of astrology but even I managed to be surprised by the accuracy of this article regarding an aspect between two of my planets. Good grief...explains a lot!
How many definitions do you know for the word “drama”? If you’re stuck after the first three and need a little help, look no further than Mars in Leo square Venus in Scorpio. Drama is what it’s all about.
Leo Mars is dramatic enough on its own. This is a radiant, larger-than-life placement. People with Mars in Leo have a romantic movie-star script in their hearts, and will take whatever bold steps are necessary to play their roles to the hilt. Venus in Scorpio is no less passionate — their romantic roles often lean toward the noir, but are no less full-tilt and life-consuming.
Linked by a natal square, this is an intense influence. Passions run high, and pride is king — a jilted Leo Mars/Scorpio Venus lover can be downright scary. The secretive nature of Scorpio combined with the Leo ego can result in slashed tires, anonymous phone calls to the IRS, and unexpected rabbit stew. Not everyone with this aspect will be so overtly vindictive, of course, but there’s always a lifelong struggle with jealousy and possessiveness. If you love someone with this aspect, you will have scenes. Tears will flow and dishes will fly. It’s all part of the intense emotional script.
It’s a strong, sexy square, though, and a useful one to have, as squares go. Both men and women with this square are confident, charismatic, and seductive. It often gives a real flair for the arts, especially (need we say it?) drama. In a chart that leans toward the introverted side, this aspect can give a big dose of drive and determination. Venus is considered debilitated in Scorpio, but this particular dose of Leo can eliminate some of the dark broodiness of the placement — it’s a good square, so long as it’s kept under control.
When it’s out of control, it’s not attractive at all. Men with Leo Mars/Scorpio Venus tend to believe that they’re the greatest thing since sliced bagels — words like “arrogant,” “pompous” and “overblown twit” come to mind. They’re the ones who swagger up to you at the bar, in a smelly cloud of expensive cologne and tinkling gold chains, and ask if you’d like to have the privilege of their company for the evening. Oh, they’ll buy you a drink or four, whatever you’d like — extravagance is part of the show — but somehow you can’t shake the feeling that you’re being hit on by a cartoon.
Women with this square can actually have it a bit worse, if they’re not careful. Preoccupation with sex goes without saying (it’s Leo and Scorpio, after all) but in a woman, the sex drive can creep up and take over her entire life. Obsession is not nearly as much fun as it sometimes sounds, and lives can be ruined by a sexual addiction as quickly as by any other.
In both cases, the simplest remedy is to find a less-destructive outlet for the incredible drives of the Leo Mars/Scorpio Venus energy. Again, the arts are favorite, but physical sports and politics can be alternatives. No matter how it’s channeled — and sex will be the easiest road, the path most often taken — this square is a powerhouse.
The tough lesson of Leo Mars square Scorpio Venus? To accept the incredible vital force within, harness it, and divert it toward your highest goals. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to make mistakes — the stronger the force, the more difficult it is to learn to work with it — but eventually, this square can be a source of incredible personal power. Use it well.
How many definitions do you know for the word “drama”? If you’re stuck after the first three and need a little help, look no further than Mars in Leo square Venus in Scorpio. Drama is what it’s all about.
Leo Mars is dramatic enough on its own. This is a radiant, larger-than-life placement. People with Mars in Leo have a romantic movie-star script in their hearts, and will take whatever bold steps are necessary to play their roles to the hilt. Venus in Scorpio is no less passionate — their romantic roles often lean toward the noir, but are no less full-tilt and life-consuming.
Linked by a natal square, this is an intense influence. Passions run high, and pride is king — a jilted Leo Mars/Scorpio Venus lover can be downright scary. The secretive nature of Scorpio combined with the Leo ego can result in slashed tires, anonymous phone calls to the IRS, and unexpected rabbit stew. Not everyone with this aspect will be so overtly vindictive, of course, but there’s always a lifelong struggle with jealousy and possessiveness. If you love someone with this aspect, you will have scenes. Tears will flow and dishes will fly. It’s all part of the intense emotional script.
It’s a strong, sexy square, though, and a useful one to have, as squares go. Both men and women with this square are confident, charismatic, and seductive. It often gives a real flair for the arts, especially (need we say it?) drama. In a chart that leans toward the introverted side, this aspect can give a big dose of drive and determination. Venus is considered debilitated in Scorpio, but this particular dose of Leo can eliminate some of the dark broodiness of the placement — it’s a good square, so long as it’s kept under control.
When it’s out of control, it’s not attractive at all. Men with Leo Mars/Scorpio Venus tend to believe that they’re the greatest thing since sliced bagels — words like “arrogant,” “pompous” and “overblown twit” come to mind. They’re the ones who swagger up to you at the bar, in a smelly cloud of expensive cologne and tinkling gold chains, and ask if you’d like to have the privilege of their company for the evening. Oh, they’ll buy you a drink or four, whatever you’d like — extravagance is part of the show — but somehow you can’t shake the feeling that you’re being hit on by a cartoon.
Women with this square can actually have it a bit worse, if they’re not careful. Preoccupation with sex goes without saying (it’s Leo and Scorpio, after all) but in a woman, the sex drive can creep up and take over her entire life. Obsession is not nearly as much fun as it sometimes sounds, and lives can be ruined by a sexual addiction as quickly as by any other.
In both cases, the simplest remedy is to find a less-destructive outlet for the incredible drives of the Leo Mars/Scorpio Venus energy. Again, the arts are favorite, but physical sports and politics can be alternatives. No matter how it’s channeled — and sex will be the easiest road, the path most often taken — this square is a powerhouse.
The tough lesson of Leo Mars square Scorpio Venus? To accept the incredible vital force within, harness it, and divert it toward your highest goals. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to make mistakes — the stronger the force, the more difficult it is to learn to work with it — but eventually, this square can be a source of incredible personal power. Use it well.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Blonde Moment
So we're taking an overnight trip to Richmond for some training next month. Very exciting--not. It's only a little over an hour away from home. Anyway, a coworker tells me that she's booked herself a room at the Hampton Inn in Midlothian. I asked her, "Wait, it's in Hampton?"
What the hell was I thinking? Doh!
What the hell was I thinking? Doh!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Control
I want to be madly, passionately in love. This is my greatest weakness in life--the pursuit of the love of my dreams has led me down many paths. Some dark and tangled, some not. The love I want is too idealistic for this world, I think. It belongs in another time, where men and women's roles were simpler and more defined, so each had time to reflect on the qualities of the other that they lacked, and thus adored.
I'm well aware that mad, passionate love does not last--if it is a healthy love, one born of selflessness and true appreciation for the beloved, it grows and matures over time into something more sustainable. But I truly believe one of life's great pleasures is the art of falling in love. The maddening rushes of dopamine, the deep craving to be in the presence of the beloved...it's the greatest drug on Earth. Much of the human experience has happened while people were in the haze of the beginning stages of love. Call it what you will--infatuation, lust, limerence...there's nothing like it.
It's been so long since I felt that way. Unfortunately, the gauntlet of my past relationships was so rough that I believe I lost the key ability required to experience that stage of love: vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable. It feels like a crime--against myself. My self-preservation instincts are now so strong that I crush any inkling of vulnerability the moment it is felt. I wish I wouldn't do this, but it's an instinct now. Instincts are designed for your survival, so it's probably for the best. This is a sad thing, I know. But I've found that vulnerability is incompatible with control, and control is necessary for me to maintain my sense of identity in a relationship. I fear the loss of control more than anything because it equates to the loss of myself.
That's the most unfortunate thing of all--without loss of control, I'll never truly fall in love again. I'm just now starting to understand (and grieve) that.
I'm well aware that mad, passionate love does not last--if it is a healthy love, one born of selflessness and true appreciation for the beloved, it grows and matures over time into something more sustainable. But I truly believe one of life's great pleasures is the art of falling in love. The maddening rushes of dopamine, the deep craving to be in the presence of the beloved...it's the greatest drug on Earth. Much of the human experience has happened while people were in the haze of the beginning stages of love. Call it what you will--infatuation, lust, limerence...there's nothing like it.
It's been so long since I felt that way. Unfortunately, the gauntlet of my past relationships was so rough that I believe I lost the key ability required to experience that stage of love: vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable. It feels like a crime--against myself. My self-preservation instincts are now so strong that I crush any inkling of vulnerability the moment it is felt. I wish I wouldn't do this, but it's an instinct now. Instincts are designed for your survival, so it's probably for the best. This is a sad thing, I know. But I've found that vulnerability is incompatible with control, and control is necessary for me to maintain my sense of identity in a relationship. I fear the loss of control more than anything because it equates to the loss of myself.
That's the most unfortunate thing of all--without loss of control, I'll never truly fall in love again. I'm just now starting to understand (and grieve) that.
Same Sex Marriage
Governor David Patterson introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in NY today. A similar bill had actually passed the Assembly (controlled by Democrats) in 2007 but never made it past the Senate (controlled by Republicans).
I'm still trying to decide my stance on this issue. I'm having a hard time reconciling my "somewhat" conservative Christian beliefs with my general "live and let live" philosophy on life. I say somewhat because while I have very traditional views on subjects like abortion, marriage, and family life, I go against the Church on a few critical things, namely premarital sex and birth control.
I find myself having this struggle a lot--knowing the Church's doctrine on a particular issue but wanting to buck against the grain a little. On the one hand, I will never say that someone who believes homosexuality is sinful is a bigot or ignorant. The Bible is very clear on that subject. But on the other hand, I have gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends and family members who I love dearly. I want them to be happy and I believe that they have a right to the "pursuit of happiness" along with the rest of humanity. They deserve to put a ring on the finger of someone they love, have that union recognized, and to form families.
Quite the dilemma. My grandmother, whom I loved and admired above all others until her death, was a very loving and accepting person. She was also a devout Christian. She used to reconcile this conflict in herself by telling me that the Bible says that you can love a person but have hate for their sinful acts. This is how God can love us but hate our sin. So she would tell me that while she loved so-and-so gay relative or friend, she abhored their sin (although in my eyes they never would have known she "hated their sin" because she treated everyone so well).
So, in light of this guidance, I think I may have found an acceptable compromise on this matter: my views on this will be similar to my views on abortion. While it's not a choice I would make for myself, I think others have to make their own decisions and given the opportunity, I would uphold their constitutional rights to do so.
Incidentally, I think attempts to actually write anti-same sex marriage provisions into a constitution, whether it be state or federal, are bullshit. Every amendment to the U.S. Constitution has been designed to EXPAND human rights, not take them away (except for #18 but Prohibition is another blog for another day). If anything, a constitutional amendment about gay marriage should be to ban discrimination against same sex married couples.
So, good for Governor Patterson for taking such a political risk--he needed to shake things up with his dismal approval ratings. I can't imagine it won't pass this time--if it didn't, that would be something. Iowa being more liberal than NY? Say it ain't so!
I'm still trying to decide my stance on this issue. I'm having a hard time reconciling my "somewhat" conservative Christian beliefs with my general "live and let live" philosophy on life. I say somewhat because while I have very traditional views on subjects like abortion, marriage, and family life, I go against the Church on a few critical things, namely premarital sex and birth control.
I find myself having this struggle a lot--knowing the Church's doctrine on a particular issue but wanting to buck against the grain a little. On the one hand, I will never say that someone who believes homosexuality is sinful is a bigot or ignorant. The Bible is very clear on that subject. But on the other hand, I have gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends and family members who I love dearly. I want them to be happy and I believe that they have a right to the "pursuit of happiness" along with the rest of humanity. They deserve to put a ring on the finger of someone they love, have that union recognized, and to form families.
Quite the dilemma. My grandmother, whom I loved and admired above all others until her death, was a very loving and accepting person. She was also a devout Christian. She used to reconcile this conflict in herself by telling me that the Bible says that you can love a person but have hate for their sinful acts. This is how God can love us but hate our sin. So she would tell me that while she loved so-and-so gay relative or friend, she abhored their sin (although in my eyes they never would have known she "hated their sin" because she treated everyone so well).
So, in light of this guidance, I think I may have found an acceptable compromise on this matter: my views on this will be similar to my views on abortion. While it's not a choice I would make for myself, I think others have to make their own decisions and given the opportunity, I would uphold their constitutional rights to do so.
Incidentally, I think attempts to actually write anti-same sex marriage provisions into a constitution, whether it be state or federal, are bullshit. Every amendment to the U.S. Constitution has been designed to EXPAND human rights, not take them away (except for #18 but Prohibition is another blog for another day). If anything, a constitutional amendment about gay marriage should be to ban discrimination against same sex married couples.
So, good for Governor Patterson for taking such a political risk--he needed to shake things up with his dismal approval ratings. I can't imagine it won't pass this time--if it didn't, that would be something. Iowa being more liberal than NY? Say it ain't so!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Word Play
So apparently a bunch of folks decided to launch a new conservative moment today protesting the tax and spend policies of the Obama administration (not sure I get the "tax" part since 95% of Americans are getting tax RELIEF through his policies, but who needs logic when you're planning a protest--party on!)
They called their protesting...teabagging.
I don't necessarily object to the concept. I'm a little dismayed at all the money changing hands myself these days. But ahem...teabagging?
Ha! Can we say, "I don't think that word means what you think it means..."
Tee hee.
They called their protesting...teabagging.
I don't necessarily object to the concept. I'm a little dismayed at all the money changing hands myself these days. But ahem...teabagging?
Ha! Can we say, "I don't think that word means what you think it means..."
Tee hee.
Disturbing Statistics
Black Families
- 7 out of 10 Black children are born out of wedlock
- Of these, 66% are absent a full-time father in the home
- 80% of African-Americans can expect to spend a "significant portion" of their childhoods living without their biological father
- Black children are 9x more likely than White children to have an incarcerated parent
- A Black child was more likely to live with both parents during slavery days than they are today
- 1/3 of the U.S. correctional system consists of Black males ages 20-29
- 1/3 of U.S. AIDS cases are Black males
- The leading cause of death for Black males ages 15-24 is homicide
Black Marriages
- The number of married Black couples is half the number of married White couples
- Blacks are less likely to be married than any other ethnic group
34% of Black families are headed by married couples as opposed to 82% of White families
- 50-65% of first marriages end within 15 years
- 65% of children whose parents divorce have poor relationships with their fathers
- 25% of children from divorced or separated families have serious social or emotional problems
- 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents in the home--the lowest rate in the Western world
- One in four American adults aged 18 or over are divorced
- 60-80% of marriages will experience infidelity by one or both partners
Remarriages & Family
- Of the 50%+ of first marriages that end, 75% of the divorcing partners will remarry
- 60-80% of those second and subsequent marriages will end in divorce
- 2 out of 3 stepfamilies will "fail"
- Children with stepfathers are 3x more likely to be abused
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Love, Sex, Magic
Yeah. I'm greedy. I want a little more of all three in my life. The sex can't be too good though. Great sex tends to make me fall in love. I need to get over that nasty habit. There's nothing worse than walking down the aisle and seeing white picket fences in the distance right before you cum, only to realize afterwards it was all in your head and all he's thinking is what a great lay you were. Or God forbid the hated "I love you!" that slips out as you scream your way past orgasm number...ummm, you lost count. And did you really accidentally say the "L" word? No thanks.
I'm not sure why females are wired that way. It's a curse, I tell you. Unio mystica--mystic union. Also known as that momentary delusion of happiness and "Omigod, I found my soulmate!" feeling that women get during and after great sex that only seems to happen when your lover is a jerk. Has anyone ever felt unio mystica with a "nice guy"? Or their husband? Since most women tend to marry the safe choice (nice guy) rather than the jerk? Right? If I'm wrong, let me know. I need some encouragement that my unio mystica days aren't behind me once I decide to commit.
I'm not sure why females are wired that way. It's a curse, I tell you. Unio mystica--mystic union. Also known as that momentary delusion of happiness and "Omigod, I found my soulmate!" feeling that women get during and after great sex that only seems to happen when your lover is a jerk. Has anyone ever felt unio mystica with a "nice guy"? Or their husband? Since most women tend to marry the safe choice (nice guy) rather than the jerk? Right? If I'm wrong, let me know. I need some encouragement that my unio mystica days aren't behind me once I decide to commit.
Space
I used to be a creative person--in my spare time I wrote poems, short stories, novels, haikus...you name it. These days, spare time? What's that? I'm a chronically tired 27-year old, chubby single mom with an active 4-year old and a crazy dog in a small 2 bedroom apartment in the expensive ass Washington, DC suburbs. There's no such thing as spare time...it's taken me 15 minutes to type this one short paragraph! Between the "Mommy, can you get me a drink?", "Mommy, whatcha doin on the computer?", "Mommy, Bingo just ate your thermometer!", and the occasional weird panting noises, pawing, and random bursts of energy from the canine clawing at my right side, it's a miracle I've made it this far tonight.
Yes, I'm complaining. This is my blog dammit, and I'm not going to feel guilty for feeling a little overwhelmed and wanting to get away from it all. I don't have much of a life to speak of beyond basic survivalism, so shouldn't there be some free time to just be...well, me? Some people use drugs or exercise to cope--I could use a little of both right now but all I really want is some damn space. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, my dog, and have a lot to be thankful for...ah. There it is. The guilt.
Sigh. Rant over.
Yes, I'm complaining. This is my blog dammit, and I'm not going to feel guilty for feeling a little overwhelmed and wanting to get away from it all. I don't have much of a life to speak of beyond basic survivalism, so shouldn't there be some free time to just be...well, me? Some people use drugs or exercise to cope--I could use a little of both right now but all I really want is some damn space. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, my dog, and have a lot to be thankful for...ah. There it is. The guilt.
Sigh. Rant over.
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