So, recently I was prescribed Xanax to help with the recurring anxiety attacks I have about death. Not about dying myself, but of losing people close to me. If you know me well, you're probably playing amateur psychologist and thinking this started around the time my grandmother passed away, but alas...you would be incorrect. These attacks have been happening since my teens, got worse when my son was born, and reached their peak when Gaga died. Since I hadn't had a physical in years, I finally decided to mention them to my doctor at the one I had a week or so ago.
In any event, I had such a horrific day yesterday that I decided to go ahead and take some. The various annoyances I had experienced throughout the day added up into a full blown state of mental turmoil, and I wanted to relax so I could go out and salvage the evening. I was skeptical though. I didn't want to get groggy since I knew I would be drinking. So me being the person I am, I decided to Google everything about Xanax...
Wow! Apparently they are among the most prescribed AND highly abused drug in America. Xanax is a benzodiazepine that acts on certain areas of the brain like a tranquilizer to create a calming effect. And they are highly addictive. Greeeeeeeeeeeat. Like I need anymore addictions. Oh, and not only are they highly addictive, they also cause terrible withdrawal symptoms, especially if you are on a high dose and stop suddenly. My dose is a very low starter dose, so I went ahead and took one anyway, but everything I read said not to take it everyday no matter what your prescription says and not to take more than 2mg a day. Luckily I am nowhere near that on the dosage.
Mine says, "Take one tablet orally twice a day as needed." To me, as needed = my symptoms of anxiety are prohibiting me from functioning normally so luckily that is not everyday.
Sheesh. Sometimes the stuff they give you fix your problems is worse than the actual problems!
Disclaimer: It did help. I had a nice mellowed out feeling about 20 mins or so after, so at least it is fast-acting.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Settling
Not going to do it. I refuse to settle for mediocrity in any aspect of my life.
Finances: Success doesn't come to you. No one in this world who is successful just sat around and waited for success to land on their doorstep. Even the ones who got "lucky" took action to make sure Luck could find them. I know what my talent and ambition can bring me, so I will commit my money, time, and energy to pursuing that success.
Love: I will either resign myself to embracing singlehood (TRULY embracing it, not using it as a stop-gap until my next relationship), or more preferably, I will make an effort to attract and seek the kind of man that I know a) is healthy for me and adds to my happiness, not detracts from it b) is on my level, in every way that counts c) would make me feel proud if my son desired to emulate him d) that I can commit to and is capable of committing to me. Period. No more settling for Mr. Right Now, or worse, Mr. Was Never Right. After a certain amount of time has passed that "Is this the right person for me?" feeling isn't cold feet, it's Truth telling you the answer is No.
Work: Too many people settle in their work. They get in the comfort zone of receiving a regular paycheck but the work brings them no joy, no purpose. The ultimate goal of achieving success is to not have to work FOR someone in order to survive, but instead to either do meaningful work (whatever meaningful means to you) or to perhaps not work at all if one should be so lucky! After a long talk with a close friend at my former place of employment, it became so apparent to me how your job, because you spend so much of your time there, can have a profound impact on your life. Feeling ignored, underappreciated, undervalued or just plain bored with repetitive work (ESPECIALLY while ignoring your higher calling) can manifest itself in terrible ways in your life. So, I resolve to not to settle in this area of my life and encouraged that same friend to do the same. She has the benefit of knowing her true calling--I am still trying to figure this out about myself, but the important thing is to build on your ambitions and not stay stagnant out of fear of the unknown.
Friendship: Unfortunately, even the oldest and strongest friendships can be outgrown. People are not static creatures; they grow and change and not always in the same direction. I am fortunate enough that I have only outgrown a friendship or two in my life--I am still very close to the people I've known for years, some since childhood. But there are a lot of lonely people in the world, people who want more friends or different friends. Stop settling. Get out there and meet people. Put yourself out there. A good friend of mine that I have now, I met on the Metro! We struck up such a great conversation, she invited me to get off at her stop with her and grab something to eat and a drink. Most people would have declined to dine with such a new acquaintance, but I took a chance and now have a wonderful friend that I cherish.
Life is about taking chances. Very few chances are life-threatening (unless you're totally reckless), but most chances are paradigm changing. Live your life!
Finances: Success doesn't come to you. No one in this world who is successful just sat around and waited for success to land on their doorstep. Even the ones who got "lucky" took action to make sure Luck could find them. I know what my talent and ambition can bring me, so I will commit my money, time, and energy to pursuing that success.
Love: I will either resign myself to embracing singlehood (TRULY embracing it, not using it as a stop-gap until my next relationship), or more preferably, I will make an effort to attract and seek the kind of man that I know a) is healthy for me and adds to my happiness, not detracts from it b) is on my level, in every way that counts c) would make me feel proud if my son desired to emulate him d) that I can commit to and is capable of committing to me. Period. No more settling for Mr. Right Now, or worse, Mr. Was Never Right. After a certain amount of time has passed that "Is this the right person for me?" feeling isn't cold feet, it's Truth telling you the answer is No.
Work: Too many people settle in their work. They get in the comfort zone of receiving a regular paycheck but the work brings them no joy, no purpose. The ultimate goal of achieving success is to not have to work FOR someone in order to survive, but instead to either do meaningful work (whatever meaningful means to you) or to perhaps not work at all if one should be so lucky! After a long talk with a close friend at my former place of employment, it became so apparent to me how your job, because you spend so much of your time there, can have a profound impact on your life. Feeling ignored, underappreciated, undervalued or just plain bored with repetitive work (ESPECIALLY while ignoring your higher calling) can manifest itself in terrible ways in your life. So, I resolve to not to settle in this area of my life and encouraged that same friend to do the same. She has the benefit of knowing her true calling--I am still trying to figure this out about myself, but the important thing is to build on your ambitions and not stay stagnant out of fear of the unknown.
Friendship: Unfortunately, even the oldest and strongest friendships can be outgrown. People are not static creatures; they grow and change and not always in the same direction. I am fortunate enough that I have only outgrown a friendship or two in my life--I am still very close to the people I've known for years, some since childhood. But there are a lot of lonely people in the world, people who want more friends or different friends. Stop settling. Get out there and meet people. Put yourself out there. A good friend of mine that I have now, I met on the Metro! We struck up such a great conversation, she invited me to get off at her stop with her and grab something to eat and a drink. Most people would have declined to dine with such a new acquaintance, but I took a chance and now have a wonderful friend that I cherish.
Life is about taking chances. Very few chances are life-threatening (unless you're totally reckless), but most chances are paradigm changing. Live your life!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Grief
As I prepare for bed (finally), I realize that the statement, "Time heals all wounds" is an utter lie.
Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds are so deep and paralyzing that time can only band-aid them; underneath they are still raw and oozing and will be that way forever.
This is true of my grandmother's death. True, I don't think of her by the minute, or even by the day as I did immediately after her death. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but then I comfort myself with the thought that such is a natural part of the healing process.
But tonight I realize that maybe I stopped thinking of her all the time on purpose, for my own sanity. That grief is so still so raw and fresh--it comes out at unexpected times, in a rush of emotion so powerful it startles me. It startled my dog. One minute I was writing her a haiku, and the next...with the thought of all the time that would most likely pass before I could see her again, and knowing even THAT isn't promised to me (for she is surely in heaven and I can only aspire to go there)...well, it seemed like an eternity of longing and loneliness was all that was waiting. It was several minutes before I stopped sobbing, stopped gasping for breath. My dog came to check on me, perhaps even to comfort me. It was very appreciated.
So apparently time can be healing, but it is also cruel and deceptive.
To Goon-Goon: Thank you for trying to send some money my way by making tonight's lottery number your birthday and my birthday intertwined. I knew earlier today that you were trying to send me a message when my right hand began to itch (my "money's on the way" sign), and on your birthday to boot, but stupid me got distracted and never made it to the store, despite telling Mom I was going to play. You know I rarely play the lottery. I'm not sure I would have played 5-7-1 anyway--I usually forget to do birthdays. Sadly I didn't inherit the family knack for luck with lotteries! I would have probably done 5-0-7, your birthday and the day's date, of course. It's the thought that counts though. Maybe next year. Love, Goongie.
Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds are so deep and paralyzing that time can only band-aid them; underneath they are still raw and oozing and will be that way forever.
This is true of my grandmother's death. True, I don't think of her by the minute, or even by the day as I did immediately after her death. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but then I comfort myself with the thought that such is a natural part of the healing process.
But tonight I realize that maybe I stopped thinking of her all the time on purpose, for my own sanity. That grief is so still so raw and fresh--it comes out at unexpected times, in a rush of emotion so powerful it startles me. It startled my dog. One minute I was writing her a haiku, and the next...with the thought of all the time that would most likely pass before I could see her again, and knowing even THAT isn't promised to me (for she is surely in heaven and I can only aspire to go there)...well, it seemed like an eternity of longing and loneliness was all that was waiting. It was several minutes before I stopped sobbing, stopped gasping for breath. My dog came to check on me, perhaps even to comfort me. It was very appreciated.
So apparently time can be healing, but it is also cruel and deceptive.
To Goon-Goon: Thank you for trying to send some money my way by making tonight's lottery number your birthday and my birthday intertwined. I knew earlier today that you were trying to send me a message when my right hand began to itch (my "money's on the way" sign), and on your birthday to boot, but stupid me got distracted and never made it to the store, despite telling Mom I was going to play. You know I rarely play the lottery. I'm not sure I would have played 5-7-1 anyway--I usually forget to do birthdays. Sadly I didn't inherit the family knack for luck with lotteries! I would have probably done 5-0-7, your birthday and the day's date, of course. It's the thought that counts though. Maybe next year. Love, Goongie.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Procrastination
Ummm, yeah. So I've been neglecting my blog, apparently. I didn't realize I have no May postings. I am rectifying that with this entry. Apologies to my 1 "real" follower and also those that undoubtedly lurk but for whatever reason don't want me to know they read this...
Anyway--I have a serious case of the lazies. Very serious. I have about a million things running through my mental to-do list, none of which are getting done. So, in an effort to inspire myself, I'm going to make a list. :) I love lists. I will also come back and edit this blog with strikethrough notations as items are completed. Yay!
TO DO LIST (in order of priority)
School
Anyway--I have a serious case of the lazies. Very serious. I have about a million things running through my mental to-do list, none of which are getting done. So, in an effort to inspire myself, I'm going to make a list. :) I love lists. I will also come back and edit this blog with strikethrough notations as items are completed. Yay!
TO DO LIST (in order of priority)
School
I have one online class I need to wrap up by Monday. The only problem is, I have weeks of homework to do and a final to take. There goes my weekend. Oh, except that I am going to the movies Friday night and also on Saturday afternoon and then Mother's Day is on Sunday...right. See my problem. STOP GOOFING OFF AND FINISH THE CLASS!Do said homework, weeks 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 (some assignments will be easier than others).Write short paper on an experience within the juvenile justice system--piece o' cake. I will write about my experience as a community volunteer working with troubled teens over the last year and half.Review for and take final by Monday @ 5 PM. Ok. Need to be done with everything by Sun night.Revel in my ability to perform under pressure and still walk away with an "A" in the class despite my shameful procrastination all semester.Breathe sigh of relief when stupid assignments are finished and final is taken so I can enjoy my summer!
Work
Create attendee sign-up sheet for External Org meeting next Thursday.Create agenda for meeting and send to attendees.Create handouts for meeting.Talk with coworker about how meeting/training will be structured. These steps should all be completed by Monday afternoon as coworker will be gone Tues & Wednesday and meeting is at 10 AM Thursday.Don't forget to set up flexible spending for healthcare for next year before open enrollment expires!
Home
- Clean house. A tidy environment equals a tidy mind. The house is presentable (in common areas) but it is skanky according to my standards. Cleaning house is defined by the following subcategories:
Vacuum. I vacuum the entire house at least 2x a week because of the dog. Been seriously slacking. Vacuuming is a must!Finish loading dishwasher and wash dirty dishes. Put away when clean.- Wipe down bathroom and kitchen counters and other surfaces. Dust where necessary.
Sweepand mop hard floors.- Thoroughly clean bathroom shower, tub, and toilet.
Put away miscellaneous items on desk. An organized desk is my preference. Crap is everywhere at the moment. This must change.Clean the boy's room. Ideally this would include throwing/giving away toys that are no longer played with to reduce clutter, but...we'll see.- Bathe and brush dog and either trim her nails or take her to the groomer.
Take out trash.
Now onto the crap that I despise doing and thus will avoid forever usually. But it must be done. Sigh.
- Laundry. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh. I actually love washing and drying clothes. I hate putting them away. Need to wash and dry all dirty clothes (the easy part) and then fold/hang and put away. Put away clean clothes that have been sitting in a pile in the laundry basket!
- Switch seasonal clothes. Pack away fall/winter clothes and unpack spring/summer clothes for both you and child. Separately pack items that no longer fit for donation to charity. Then review inventory for new items that need to be purchased and make purchases as necessary.
The first section can be taken care of in a few hours. Hesitant to do on Sunday just on general principle though. The second section will take me a day at my most highly motivated, or a weekend in a normal state of functioning. Clearly it won't be this weekend due to the school section. But it WILL happen.
Self
Clean car. I debated whether to put this under home, but if I'm going to clean it, it's going to be perfect, which is an issue of vanity, so it goes here. It needs everything. Throw out trash in interior, vacuum, wipe down and Armor All surfaces, deodorize,wash/wax at the car wash and put tire shine stuff on tires.Yes, I do these things myself, I actually get a lot of pleasure out of detailing my car.- Car maintenance. Been neglecting my truck. Desperately needs an oil change , tire rotation/balance, and transmission flush. These are not expensive, and one is free, so no excuses. Almost certain it also needs an alignment, tune-up, and brakes. Everything but the tune-up & brakes can be done for $250 or less at NTB. Tune-up & brakes go to Mr. Lee's and have to wait a few more weeks. Might get oil-change at Jiffy Lube just this once so can get free fluid top-offs--
am out of washer fluid! - Finalize travel arrangements for Memorial Day weekend.
- Get hair and nails done! Feet were recently pedicured so will be fine for another couple of weeks but nails need work.
At the very least finish stripping off hot pink polish that just looks skanky nowand do home manicure. Hair is budgeted out for next paycheck, hopefully nothing changes this. - Start going back to gym. Paying Bally's almost $40 a month for nothing is stupid and a waste. They've gotten quite enough free money in 2009, thank you.
- Make dental appointment(s) once flex spending card is reactivated.
- Finish prototype for iPhone application in preparation for soliciting the proposal. Development needs to be delayed until after firmware update to 3.0 in June.
- Finish website mock-up so that when the building stage begins in another month or so you are actually building and not still planning.
Sigh. Life will be good when all these things are done (!)
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