Stopped Up

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you should be feeling strongly about something , but strangely, were unable to? I find myself experiencing that now. Normally I would diary such a self-indulgent exercise in introspection as this one but I no longer keep a diary in an easy to access format and I do want to capture these thoughts in writing. I think it will be a good exercise to come back to later as I'm adding depth to the characters in my book. Internal dialogue, etc. Only a truely analytical person like myself could study their own emotions psuedo-scientifically. Sigh.

In any event, I've just experienced a situation in which normally I would be exhibiting some form of intense emotion. Normally it takes very little for me to turn on the water works but for some reason...nothing. Quite honestly, the last time I can remember this happening was a really long time ago, when my grandmother died. I felt like I should cry immediately after, but I didn't. Not for a day or so. That was grief, and I didn't cry because I was afraid to cry, feeling as though if I did, I wouldn't stop, not for a long time...

Hmmm. Grief. Something about that seems poignant, but not quite right. It deserves further exploration though. I do know it's not an issue of absence of emotion, because as time inches by I can sense it there, a powerful feeling wanting to be expressed; I just haven't identified it yet. It's a little disturbing because my delayed reactions to things have most often manifested as rage (like water on boil), but usually when I am this introspective about it the feelings are directed inward, at myself...ultimately, when one is not powerless (and people rarely are, despite circumstances), anger directed at anyone other than self is futile, since we control our own actions. Not necessarily our feelings, but certainly our actions.

I am waiting for this emotion that I can't yet feel, trying to identify that which I haven't yet birthed, wondering why it won't yet express itself....the unknown. Quite literally (as I am battling a terrible cold)...I'm stopped up.