Stopped Up

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you should be feeling strongly about something , but strangely, were unable to? I find myself experiencing that now. Normally I would diary such a self-indulgent exercise in introspection as this one but I no longer keep a diary in an easy to access format and I do want to capture these thoughts in writing. I think it will be a good exercise to come back to later as I'm adding depth to the characters in my book. Internal dialogue, etc. Only a truely analytical person like myself could study their own emotions psuedo-scientifically. Sigh.

In any event, I've just experienced a situation in which normally I would be exhibiting some form of intense emotion. Normally it takes very little for me to turn on the water works but for some reason...nothing. Quite honestly, the last time I can remember this happening was a really long time ago, when my grandmother died. I felt like I should cry immediately after, but I didn't. Not for a day or so. That was grief, and I didn't cry because I was afraid to cry, feeling as though if I did, I wouldn't stop, not for a long time...

Hmmm. Grief. Something about that seems poignant, but not quite right. It deserves further exploration though. I do know it's not an issue of absence of emotion, because as time inches by I can sense it there, a powerful feeling wanting to be expressed; I just haven't identified it yet. It's a little disturbing because my delayed reactions to things have most often manifested as rage (like water on boil), but usually when I am this introspective about it the feelings are directed inward, at myself...ultimately, when one is not powerless (and people rarely are, despite circumstances), anger directed at anyone other than self is futile, since we control our own actions. Not necessarily our feelings, but certainly our actions.

I am waiting for this emotion that I can't yet feel, trying to identify that which I haven't yet birthed, wondering why it won't yet express itself....the unknown. Quite literally (as I am battling a terrible cold)...I'm stopped up.

Return to Sender

Love? Unwanted word.
Foolish and heartbroken word.
Love? No, I think not.

Draino

At least all this angst
inspires me to write again;
unclogs, like Draino.

Suppressed

Bubbling up inside,
a burst of forceful longing--
quick! bury it deep...

Falling

When I see your name
my heart starts to beat faster--
a symptom of what?

Slacker

Dear Blog,

Oh, how I've neglected you! No entries since June. Tsk, tsk. The only reason I came to visit you today was because someone stopped by to read you and said they liked you. I was so ashamed that you're this outdated that I had to stop by and let you know why I've been gone.

I've been a bit preoccupied lately. I have a new writing project that really should take up most of my writing time. And I was busy romancing the summer away. Also, most of my need to clear my mind happens on Twitter or Facebook these days. And, last but not least, to be honest, my terrible procrastination habits make it hard to keep you updated.

But...you are a worthy cause. It was very helpful to me when I used to keep you up on a daily basis. I'll have to make time in my schedule for you--I have lots of thoughts to share, about a lot of things. And Twitter is awfully condensed, while Facebook has gotten...tiresome. So you are definitely going to be more utilized.

Not tonight though. I've got plans. Hopefully before the weekend is over. You're definitely on the to-do list. You know how I love lists!

Love,
Slacker

Low Carb

So, I'm back on a low-carb diet. Today was Day 1 actually. I have tried a lot of diets over the last 10 years and low-carb is really the only one that works for me. The diet I always come back to is the Atkins Diet. This is not the biggest I've ever been but it's not the smallest I've been in the last few years either. I am eager to look good and feel confident in a bathing suit again.

I know the Atkins Diet has grown and waned in popularity over the decades, but...it works. It's the least restrictive diet I've ever been on and the most productive. Even during the strictest part of the diet, the induction phase, I am able to eat well and to the point of fullness that makes cravings and binges obsolete. I am able to eat proteins, vegetables, dairy, etc. on induction and don't feel deprived at all. I can easily lose 15 lbs in a month on this diet during the induction phase--some of which is water weight, but not all. This is the ONLY diet I can say that about. When I add exercise to the equation, as I have a couple of times before (this will be my fourth time on this diet), the results are even more dramatic. The most weight I ever lost following a low-carb eating plan was 38 lbs.

So yes, I am plugging the Atkins Diet. My first mini-goal is to see how much I can lose by July 1. One month from today. I don't have a specific number in mind, I just want to follow the plan and see what happens. I have about 20 recipes that will last me through this time period (blew my whole food budget for the month in one trip to the grocery store!) and for the ones I really like, I'll post about them.

Tonight's dinner: Buffalo Chicken Poppers with Bleu Cheese dip. I don't usually like Bleu Cheese anything BUT it's soooooo yummy with anything spicy. I'll let you know how it turns out!

UPDATE: Buffalo Chicken Poppers = delish! Two breasts made enough for dinner last night and lunch today. Recipe & pics available here (post #560).