Child Support

My thoughts on the issue as a single mom...

Would it kill him to be on time for once? I get an on-time payment like, once a year. He's always at least one month behind. Very frustrating.

I tried to be nice. I think I was very generous during the process of establishing the amount (given the opportunity to have some input again, I won't be as kind...). He has a very easy task--pay the required amount by a certain day every month. It is not a lot. It is less than a car payment. Less than an electric bill for a single family home in the summer months.

If adults actually did what they were supposed to do 99% of the time, the world would be a lot better place. In my not so humble opinion, child support is only required when parents DON'T do what they're supposed to do. Responsible adults should be able to come together and formulate a plan to raise their children without the intervention of the courts. When one party is lacking rationality, fairness, responsibility, trustworthiness, or any combination thereof, that's when the drama starts.

I have a lot of male friends. All of them have very bitter feelings towards the child support process. I can understand, somewhat. Most men tend to feel that they get the shaft in that process. I do think a lot of good fathers are treated unjustly in court as a reaction to the bad behavior of so many fathers. And that's not right. But in lieu of an agreement with the mother, what other recourse is there but court? It's a flawed process, but there has to be SOME process. I can understand wanting to reform it, but wanting to abolish it all together? Not possible. I have some otherwise rational and very intelligent male friends who are just adamantly opposed to the child support process...That I just DON'T understand. You have a kid, kids cost a lot of money, and if you're the non-custodial parent you have to pay the other parent. Period, the end. How else does the child get properly taken care of when there is no agreement? Or if an existing agreement isn't being followed?

Incidentally, I think the same goes for when a woman is the NCP. Which admittedly, doesn't happen very much. I think both parents should be given an equal opportunity to be the primary caregiver. I don't make any differences based on gender. I agree with fatherhood advocates that mothers shouldn't automatically be given an advantage in court, unless the child is very young (under 2). But once custody is established, whoever doesn't get the kid has to eat it. Unless something is worked out. That's the reality of a "broken family" scenario. It's not ever going to be perfectly fair and wonderful for both parties. Someone always has the advantage, whether it be a big one or a small one.

So...try to work it out before going to court. That's my philosophy. Be reasonable. Be fair. Of course, if how you conducted yourself prior to the support issue created enmity or demonstrated that you can't be trusted to live up to your agreements, you're screwed. The other parent would be a fool to NOT access the enforcement powers of the state. I am a very reasonable and fair person. For me, court is always the option of last resort, in any situation. But once it's done, it's done. You are then legally obligated to adhere to terms of the order, and just because you didn't take your ex-wife, girlfriend, lover, friend, whatever seriously or don't like the agreement, doesn't change the fact that there's a court order to which both parties must adhere. It's not something that can just be erased because all of a sudden you want to be more reasonable. The time for being reasonable is BEFORE the court process begins, not after.

Being bitter about it doesn't relieve you of your responsibilities towards your children. That goes for mothers and fathers. Mothers who withhold visitation to punish for child support issues are jerks and should be threatened with incarceration just as much as a father who is delinquent on support payments. There is just no excuse for either.

It's all very unfortunate. But a reality for single parents everywhere.